Author Topic: Life in 2009 ?????????  (Read 998 times)

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Offline SteveH

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Life in 2009 ?????????
« on: 17:09 05-Jan-2009 »
THIS year, 1,500 people a day will lose their jobs and many will be forced to eat their own arms and legs to stay alive.

Others will realise that their house is worth less than a bucket of coal and therefore set fire to it just to keep warm.

However, the fact is that millions will not lose their jobs. And for them, 2009 could well be the best year in the whole of human history.

Partly, this is because you will still have money in your pocket and that money is going to go a damn sight further than it did last year.

You’ll be able to buy a house for what a car used to cost and a car for the 2008 price of an apple.

What’s more, shopkeepers will be so desperate for your business they will offer you a night with their prettiest checkout girl if you even look like you might buy a Kit Kat.

Mostly, though, 2009 will be a great year because, as the recession bites ever bigger chunks out of the economy, banks fold and town centres fill with dead dogs, we’ll all stop worrying about things that really don’t matter.

When the country was rich, the people in power had nothing much to do except feel guilty about all the money that was pouring in.

So, to make themselves feel better, they invented a problem with the climate and said no new roads could be built in case a family of snails got squashed.


They spent months — years even — worrying about foxes, genetically modified food and how farmers might be persuaded to grow more wild flowers.

They were so rich and so bored, they even decided to garnish the nation with a million billion windmills which they knew to be utterly useless.

And get this. They even insisted that vehicles being used by the troops in Afghanistan meet all the latest European emission regulations.

Can you believe that? They didn’t care about the bullets and shells coming out of the front of these vehicles. Only about the gas coming out of the back.

Then they put a bus lane on the M4. And we let them get away with it because we were way too busy imagining that Paris Hilton was in some way important and whether Alexandra Burke was more talented than that gormless bunch of idiots called JLS. We actually cared about what Jude Law was doing in his free time.
And we spent hours putting our potato peelings in one bin and our brown bottles in another.

We’d all gone stark-staring mad.

We sat around nibbling on our South African, nuclear-free peace crisps, worrying about whether our vegetables were organic and whether our training shoes had been made by ten-year-olds.

It was a load of frivolous nonsense and now it’s all going to stop because it’s hard to worry about whether Paul Weller’s new girlfriend is wearing knickers and whether they’d been made in a Thai sweatshop when your unemployed next-door neighbour is smashing his way through your sitting-room window to steal your last tin of beans.

Similarly, when three million people are out of work, paying off £200,000 mortgages on houses that are worth 35p and eating their goldfish because things are so tight, no politician is going to stand up and say, “What about the polar bears?”.

Not if he wants to sit down with his face still in one piece.

Furthermore, I can’t see Jamie Oliver getting very far if he turns up in Rotherham this year and urges people not to eat their dogs because labrador makes you fat. I suspect they’d simply eat him instead.

During times of proper trouble, people concentrate on what matters in life.

During the Second World War, for instance, no one was chaining themselves to the fence at Biggin Hill demanding an end to night flights.

During the Cuban Missile Crisis, no one cared whether a footballer had had a bit of a scrap down at the boozer.

And in the Eighties, when the miners were waging pitched battles with the police, no one in South Yorkshire was saying: “Hold on, lads. Careful you don’t tread on these cowslips”.

This is why I have such high hopes for 2009.

Because instead of making everyone wear high-visibility jackets and forcing us to go on six-week courses before being allowed to climb a ladder, Brown and Darling will be working non-stop seven days a week to prevent the country from disappearing under a mountain of dead dogs and a million burned-down houses.

Someone could nail a non-organic dead fox to the door of Number 10 and neither of them would notice.

You and I, meanwhile, will stop trying to help the polar bear and maybe do more to help our neighbours and friends instead.

I’ve already decided that, if things get tough, I’m going to try and do my bit for the nation.
« Last Edit: 17:20 05-Jan-2009 by SteveH »