Author Topic: Poltergeists & the FSB: Who took my Grey Poupon?  (Read 674 times)

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Offline MWDabbs

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To go where no sane man has gone before... but I can't resist. 

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2011/sep/23/russia-targeting-western-diplomats

I almost died again.  Geeze - I'm not asthmatic, but I think that maybe I should get a breather just because the news these days has me laughing so hard, that I'm cracking my ribs and turning purple. 

So, in the west, we've got the US State Department sniffing around the UN for everyone's passwords, credit card numbers, and all that; conducting illegal surveillance across the Nordic regions; waterboarding suspects; detaining people indefinitely; wiretapping every citizen's phone, entering residences practically at will - without a warrant; giving guns to Mexican Drug Cartels, and tazering old people in wheelchairs....

And the "diplomats" of the US/West are going to cry about the FSB sneaking into their homes and offices switching around their pictures, sending their wives special presents I'm sure they're delighted to receive, and... giving them a different flavor of tea.  Oh - you nasty, mean FSB agents you!  You - you've gone too FAR! 

I'm well used to such things - having multiple personalities playing tricks on each other all the time.  And then, there's the aliens... but we won't talk about them...

So, I've come up with the definitive list of tricks that would work perfectly well in Spookcraft....

10.  If a diplomat has peanut butter - replace their extra smooth with extra crunchy (or vice versa).  That is soooo... annoying.  Same thing foes for Almond Joy candy bars - which is perfect, because "Sometimes you feel like a nut, and sometimes you don't."  What better way to get committed?

9.  For diplomats who smoke, some take a cigarette out and put it back in the pack upside down - that's their lucky cigarette, but to be lucky, they have to smoke it last.  Go in and flip that one around, and flip around another - if you want to be really subtle - and just give them bad luck.  But to really freak em out, just make sure they are all butts up - this works best with a half a pack or so, as then they'll think they mistakenly smoked their lucky already - which is really bad for those who do this.  It's almost like the evil eye for three days.

8.  Habenero extract - best to spread or mix this into any topical hemorrhoid pain relief treatments they may have in their medicine cabinet. 

7.  Another south of the border trick - Mexican Jumping Beans - insert in bed pillows.  (The larvae jump as a survival measure when they get too warm).

6.  Kinda boring - switch the salt and pepper around in their shakers - it's a good one if the target does not have hemorrhoids.

5.  Americans are fascinated with the Illuminati - even if they aren't fascinated with the Illuminati.  So that sets up all kinds of things you can do - like drawing an eye in a pyramid in their bathroom mirror, so that they'll see it when they step out after a hot shower.  Works well enough for car windows in the winter, too. 

4.  If you're really good - swap out their Coca Cola with Pepsi, or the other way around.  That will seriously freak anyone out only if the can/bottle shows absolutely no signs of having been opened.  Believe me, those who like one or the other can choose which is which 100% of the time, even in random taste tests. 

3.  If they play any variety of cards - make sure all Kings are replaced with King of Diamonds, or all Jacks are one eyed. 

2.  I'm sure you know what their wardrobes include, shoe sizes and such - replace them with much smaller, identical versions.  Shoes and underwear are best, imo.

1.  Now, if you want to be really, really funny - this one is only for American targets - replace all of their American Quarters with Canadian Quarters.  That's my personal favorite.

So, there you are - and I'm sure at least half of these are not in the spook manual.  Innocent - fun loving ways to show how much you really care about fostering warm and friendly relations. 

Grey Poupon Is That Grey Poupon on your weiner?

Grey Poupon Squeeze

We cannot afford governments that cannot afford to take care of our veterans.

Offline P-N

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Re: Poltergeists & the FSB: Who took my Grey Poupon?
« Reply #1 on: 10:37 24-Sep-2011 »
 ;D

Food dye in the shower head or cling-film over the toilet would be quite annoying. 

One wonders why the Guardian journo involved did not rig his apartment with pin hole cameras to record the events over a period of time to prove his allegations and sell more papers.  I suppose he was not an investigative journo and therefore did not think of such things.  I suppose the Guardian Moscow correspondent is there to cover garden shows and local fetes and the budget is not big enough for an expose of the FSU in action.  What editor would be interested in that type of journalsim compared to real politik of Russian flower shows? 

Strange how they often catch the ciminals in action through their stings, plots and subterfuge but do not have the sense to capture nefarious actions allegedly taking place by State actors when they are happening to them......not that I in anyway doubt the accuracy or frequency of incidents alluded to in his story.....after all it is not like he is about to publish a book and needs to promote it......oh wait......




"When surrounded by the dark void of the willfully blind, it does not excuse those that are a spark of light their duty to shine" - Me